Monday, October 11, 2010

Taking my life back

I've not forgotten about Crazy making, I'm still working on that post.

These words came to me in the early morning hours last week. I could see how in that crazy making, is still affecting me.

In the night.

You know all the sounds,

the car engine stops, the hesitation

the footsteps

the keys, the keys falling,

the stumbling in the door,

the keys and coins hit the kitchen table,

the footsteps

to the bathroom, the vomiting.

the smell hit’s the room first, you pray for a good night,

not wanting to be touched pretending to be asleep.

he collapses into bed, snoring.

relief, you cry and go back to sleep,

safe until morning.

the smell is too much, you go sleep on the couch and get up before him,

the morning routine begins again, more vomiting, then sleep, then back out to the bars and drinking again, the ride goes on and on.

you care for the children and try to keep it as calm as possible, making sure he eats, getting alcohol, cigarettes, money, always walking on egg shells, afraid there will be pain, afraid for your children, afraid for the future, scared, hurting, exhausted, overwhelmed, alone and in poverty,

is there an end, will there ever be an end, you pray, your prayers go unanswered.

God doesn’t make people do things, people do it all themselves.

God doesn’t stop the fists, the slaps, the shoves, the pain, it goes on and on.

It hurts, from day one it hurts.

God can’t stop the pain only I can. I have to find a way, a way out, a safe place. Will he follow, yes, will I really be free, can I ever hope for a life without the chaos.

I have to try, I have to get away, I have to be safe, I have to be free. Will I ever be safe, will I ever be free.

I took my life back, I am rebuilding a life, one day at a time. I am safe, but I am not yet free.

I will win this battle with him, he is DEAD, he can’t hurt me any longer, but the words, the deeds, the pain, they resurface, they are still there, will I ever be truly free just to be me.

I have to be free, I have to keep trying, I will not allow him to take anymore of this life.

The battle continues day to day.

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