Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Good things, I am going on vacation and great things, its a BEAD retreat

I'm going on a bead retreate. Dawn owner of Beadallaboutit on Artfire is a sponser for a weekend bead retreat, be sure and visit her shops for some quality stones and glass, I drool everytime I'm there. This Halloween weekend I will be hiding in the backwoods doing my favorite thing......not what your thinking now. Beads are packed, tools, wire, findings, several sets of fuzzy jammies, we're not going anywhere for the entire weekend. The weather is looking great for this time of year.

I will be going with another Artfire artisan Alisun, she and Dawn have both been friends of mine for a few years now and now will all get to meet in a little retreat in Pennsylvania for some quality beading. There will be other AF artisans there as well and the excitement here is toppling over. I can't wait to meet them all.

I've meet Ali before, I think we are long lost sisters. We are going to have a blast. I will be trying to post when I can, not sure how the connections are going to be and I will try and get some pictures, though I know many are going to try and hide behind the trees.

I will be back in my shop sometime next week and hopefully posting in a few days.

OH, Ho, Ho, Ho....Santa is coming soon. Take a peek at my facebook page and you will find this great contest, win $300 on Artfire, some awesome shops and wonderful artisans. Its going to be great fun, come and help find Santa.

This cats life is GOOD.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Early years

A bit on crazy making They do it, sometimes its very subtle, sometimes out and out intimidation. A brutal act of violence and then days of apologies and always the attention. They know how to manipulate you, they know how to judge your actions and your moods, as well as you do their it’s a form of brain washing, mind control on a very vicious level.

I was always trying to figure out how, why this man could say he loved me and the children, yet do the things he did. Taking money that was needed for food and caring for the family and spending it on his needs for drugs and alcohol. Did I enable this behavior, yes, I felt I had to. If I did not, I would reap the abusive behaviors, my children, my home would be at risk, I always wanted it as calm in the home as possible for them, but I always minimized the affects so to ease the pain in my mind.

Why doesn’t she just leave. I did, more than once. On average a woman in an abusive relationship will leave several times before she finally gets away. The longest separation, during the last few years of marriage was 7 months. The first few times I left when we were first married, before children, I would call my mother, she would come and get me. On one occasion, my ex followed us and raced ahead of us, parking horizontally in the middle of the highway. My mother was terrified. I never called her again. After one particularly brutal attack, I think I was in shock for a few days, by then it had calmed down, I had forgotten the pain and he was being loving and nice. These are the times I am sure I have dreams of, often waking up wanting to fist the wall. During these times in the early years, I was so depressed and desperate to get away I tried suicide, I purchased a 100 tablet bottle of over the counter sleeping pills and a pop and went to the lake and took nearly all of them, big big mistake. I was able to drive home, my ex called my mother and then they called and ambulance, I was taken to the hospital. luckily they didn’t have to pump my stomach. My ex never ever asked me why, or talked about it again. Now, I was giving up hope of ever being free. A few months after that incident, my ex was in an accident, and the relationship changes again.

It was winter, cold and snowy, we always had older used cars, but my husband had always been able to keep them running and maintained. During our early years of marriage we had a different car every year or less. He was working on the old station wagon we had. We were at his best friend Willie Horn, they were drinking Boone’sfarm wine and beer, smoking and laughing, working on the car. My ex tells me to go ahead and lay down on the couch inside and we will be leaving soon. I was exhausted, it was 2AM, I just wanted to go home. I go inside and try to rest with my coat on.

6AM, Willie comes out of the kitchen; “Where’s Jimmy?” we race out to the garage. We go in through the side door, its choking us both, I run back in and call 911, Willie opens up the garage door, Jimmy is in the car, his head slumped back and snoring as loud as I had ever heard him before. We manage to pull him out and tried to wake him up. Water, slapping, yelling, nothing was getting any response. It seemed like an eternity, the ambulance came. They couldn’t wake him up either, we followed to the hospital.

There maybe some brain damage the doctors said, he was exposed for nearly 4 hours, carbon monoxide poisoning. We had now been married 4 years. I am hopeful this will get him to change his drinking and drug abuse, that I was blaming all the emotional and physical abuse on. That next year was the year of silence.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Taking my life back

I've not forgotten about Crazy making, I'm still working on that post.

These words came to me in the early morning hours last week. I could see how in that crazy making, is still affecting me.

In the night.

You know all the sounds,

the car engine stops, the hesitation

the footsteps

the keys, the keys falling,

the stumbling in the door,

the keys and coins hit the kitchen table,

the footsteps

to the bathroom, the vomiting.

the smell hit’s the room first, you pray for a good night,

not wanting to be touched pretending to be asleep.

he collapses into bed, snoring.

relief, you cry and go back to sleep,

safe until morning.

the smell is too much, you go sleep on the couch and get up before him,

the morning routine begins again, more vomiting, then sleep, then back out to the bars and drinking again, the ride goes on and on.

you care for the children and try to keep it as calm as possible, making sure he eats, getting alcohol, cigarettes, money, always walking on egg shells, afraid there will be pain, afraid for your children, afraid for the future, scared, hurting, exhausted, overwhelmed, alone and in poverty,

is there an end, will there ever be an end, you pray, your prayers go unanswered.

God doesn’t make people do things, people do it all themselves.

God doesn’t stop the fists, the slaps, the shoves, the pain, it goes on and on.

It hurts, from day one it hurts.

God can’t stop the pain only I can. I have to find a way, a way out, a safe place. Will he follow, yes, will I really be free, can I ever hope for a life without the chaos.

I have to try, I have to get away, I have to be safe, I have to be free. Will I ever be safe, will I ever be free.

I took my life back, I am rebuilding a life, one day at a time. I am safe, but I am not yet free.

I will win this battle with him, he is DEAD, he can’t hurt me any longer, but the words, the deeds, the pain, they resurface, they are still there, will I ever be truly free just to be me.

I have to be free, I have to keep trying, I will not allow him to take anymore of this life.

The battle continues day to day.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Crazy Making

Crazy making.

I don’t know what is wrong, I can't figure out what I can do, I can’t find help, I have no money, I feel threatened, I feel most of all like I’m going crazy or I feel nothing at all.

So often I felt this way, I was able to realize how my abuser had done this, crazy making is a definite tactic of emotionally abusive partners.

I still have a hard time putting my finger on certain event triggers, it seemed sometimes there were none, it was unprovoked, unexpected and unwarranted. I was being punished for something, being a bad wife, a bad mother, less than a good person, not being smart enough, not working hard enough, you name it, I was it. You hear these things enough and you begin to believe them.

It was after he had spent my inheritance on drugs and alcohol, after he hocked every item of any value in our home, after he had hit me and threatened me with a gun laying on the table, after evictions, losing a $100,000 house, choked me, stalked me, to name a few things that I finally gave up, managed to get away to a shelter again, get my tax refund and my last check from my job, buy a $600 car and leave, get as far away as possible. I grabbed my children, yes he did threaten me with charging me with kidnapping, I told him to try it, no court would give him custody, he was never capable of caring for our children. he was an alcoholic, drug user, who fantasized about being rich some how, whatever it might take, he turned to religion for awhile when we were separated before the divorce, even had his pastor write me a letter. I was livid. He was truly obsessed.

He canvassed the entire mid-western states looking for me. He had my social and had an agency checking, my new license number got a hit. I had to renewed my driver’s license two years after I had left, two weeks later we received the first letter. He found me again, I was thrown right back into that world of pain and horror, I so wanted to run again, hide, leave, die. The nightmare wasn’t over yet.

Well at least now that he has found me, I can have him served with divorce papers. I called the police the next day and inquired about getting an out of state Order of Protection issued, I had to do something.

October is Breast cancer and Domestic Violence month, please take a peek at the Artfire AJDJSS guild blog, of which I am a proud member is having an on going promotion for these great causes. Come help us support and fight against these horrible problems that afflict women and men alike. You are not alone, others do care, show you care, come support us with this great promotion. You could get some great sparklies too.

More to come, Crazy making tactics, its a long list so please check back, I'll be posting again soon.