I don’t know what is wrong, I can't figure out what I can do, I can’t find help, I have no money, I feel threatened, I feel most of all like I’m going crazy or I feel nothing at all.
So often I felt this way, I was able to realize how my abuser had done this, crazy making is a definite tactic of emotionally abusive partners.
I still have a hard time putting my finger on certain event triggers, it seemed sometimes there were none, it was unprovoked, unexpected and unwarranted. I was being punished for something, being a bad wife, a bad mother, less than a good person, not being smart enough, not working hard enough, you name it, I was it. You hear these things enough and you begin to believe them.
It was after he had spent my inheritance on drugs and alcohol, after he hocked every item of any value in our home, after he had hit me and threatened me with a gun laying on the table, after evictions, losing a $100,000 house, choked me, stalked me, to name a few things that I finally gave up, managed to get away to a shelter again, get my tax refund and my last check from my job, buy a $600 car and leave, get as far away as possible. I grabbed my children, yes he did threaten me with charging me with kidnapping, I told him to try it, no court would give him custody, he was never capable of caring for our children. he was an alcoholic, drug user, who fantasized about being rich some how, whatever it might take, he turned to religion for awhile when we were separated before the divorce, even had his pastor write me a letter. I was livid. He was truly obsessed.
He canvassed the entire mid-western states looking for me. He had my social and had an agency checking, my new license number got a hit. I had to renewed my driver’s license two years after I had left, two weeks later we received the first letter. He found me again, I was thrown right back into that world of pain and horror, I so wanted to run again, hide, leave, die. The nightmare wasn’t over yet.
Well at least now that he has found me, I can have him served with divorce papers. I called the police the next day and inquired about getting an out of state Order of Protection issued, I had to do something.
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More to come, Crazy making tactics, its a long list so please check back, I'll be posting again soon.